Dear Child Me: My Journey to Healing

On my solo trip to Indonesia I did something spontaneous that turned out to be the most healing thing I’ve done to date. 

In 2019 I quit my job, quit my toxic relationship, found a sitter for my new puppy, and jetted off to Indonesia for a two-month re-set on my crumbling, chaotic life. 

For the first two weeks I stayed in Bali where I spent every other day at the beach, and the days in between in my room reading and writing.  

I brought all of the books my therapist, Anne, recommended, as well as a few blank journals. I wrote so much in those journals that I wore out three pens. 

I wrote everything I was experiencing, including how on day one at the beach I felt grossly uncomfortable. I’d never been physically alone before. Emotionally? More times than I can count.

I read those books like they were a lifeline, hanging onto every word in the hopes that they held the key to my healing. 

One day while I was in my room reading, I got the idea to write myself a letter. I think I was reading about shame and childhood trauma, and something registered that I’d never really thought about before. 

I had been carrying [dragging] around shame my entire life, shame for things that my adult/logical brain understood were out of my control. Shame that kept me making bad choice after bad choice as an adult. 

So it occurred to me that while adult Melissa understood she did nothing wrong, child Melissa wholeheartedly believed everything was her fault. And I was allowing child Melissa to weigh in on my life choices. 

I decided to reach out to her. Through all of the neglect, abuse, and trauma, no one had ever really talked to her before. No one ever directly said, “It’s not your fault.”

I decided to write a letter to her at every stage of life where something traumatic happened (that she can recall). 

Dear 3-year old Melissa: Something is about to happen to you, and it’s going to be scary and painful, but I want you to know that you’re going to be okay. And it’s not your fault. 

Dear 5-year old Melissa: ________ is about to happen to you, and it’s going to be confusing and hurtful, but you’re going to be okay. And it’s not your fault. 

Dear 7-year old Melissa: __________. And it’s not your fault.

Dear 11-year old Melissa: __________. And it’s not your fault.

And on and on. 

I’m omitting the details here, but I was thorough in my letter. I spared no detail.

When I was finished, I cried harder than I had ever cried before. I cried for the little girl, I cried for the messed up adult, and I cried out of gratitude for the beauty of what she had eventually become through her resilience and courage. 

I cried and cried, wounded sobs, and then I fell into a deep sleep on that bed in Bali. 

I woke several hours later in the exact same position, with the late afternoon sun beaming through the curtains.

And I felt different. 

I felt light. 

I felt happy. 

I felt safe. 

I had finally gotten deep enough to reach the core of my pain. Child Melissa was finally able to be at peace. 

I know so many are living with the ghosts of traumatic pasts, living with shame and hurt.

No one chooses to be victimized, but we can choose to be a victim. 

I choose to be a victor. You can, too. 

One of my favorite quotes is, “My past will always follow me, but it doesn’t have to lead me.” 

Numbing out, avoiding, distracting, and ignoring our pain doesn’t heal it. The only way to the other side is through. 

Healing is a painful process, but unlike the life-long pain of unprocessed trauma, the pain from healing can have a healthier, happier outcome. 

You are more than your past, you are more than your trauma, and you deserve to heal and live your best life.