Losing Yourself to Accommodate Others

For most of my life I was never truly myself around others. 

I would become who I believed others wanted me to be. My deep-rooted belief that no one would ever love me for me kept me from being authentic and real.

But I had no idea I wasn’t being authentic. I believed I was simply “adapting” to those around me, and adapting to accommodate others is just what a nice girl does, right? 🤔

I’d been abandoned so many times in my childhood, and neglected, that little Melissa believed something had to be wrong with her. There couldn’t possibly be another explanation for why all of these adults were choosing to leave. I was unlovable. 

And the problem with believing something so wholly early on is that it becomes so deep-rooted that it carries into adulthood. It becomes heavy luggage spilling over with distrust, abandonment fears, unhealthy attachment, and low self-esteem. 

My fear of abandonment was so raw and fierce that I clung to people I didn’t even like in the hopes that they would love me and never leave me. And I was subconsciously seeking out these toxic relationships because I was drawn to what I knew: chaos. Nice guys gave me the ick. 

I’d spent most of my adult life choosing men who made me feel small, unseen, uncared for, unimportant, and unloved. Oh, but as soon as they gave me the slightest breadcrumb I would lap it up like a deprived shelter dog being shown kindness for the first time.

In a sea of silent treatments and emotional abuse, I’d latch on to an occasional hug or smile or compliment or kind word like it was a lifeline. And all the while being completely oblivious to it all. I believed I was doing okay, that I was in control. 

It’s truly amazing how one can cling to the memory of those early months of love-bombing, hoping every single day that it might return. Because when you feel unlovable and someone comes along and showers you with flowers and compliments and notes and gifts and affection, it’s the greatest thing you could ever hope to experience. 

But here’s the caveat. When I changed myself into the person I believed my partners wanted, it was only a matter of time before I realized I wasn’t actually being loved. It’s not possible for someone to love me if they don’t know the real me.

And it was always so subtle in the beginning. All the things they [claimed to have] loved about me early on gradually became what they were annoyed with. So with each new annoyance came an adjustment on my part, and a necessary adjustment if I didn’t want them to leave me. Before I knew it there were so many adjustments that whomever I thought I was before had completely disappeared, and her replacement was someone so much more accommodating and agreeable. And small.

Somewhere along the way something inside of me began to shift. Spending so much time with people I didn’t admire or trust or even like started stirring up feelings of unease deep down. Feelings of emptiness, loneliness, resentment, self-loathing. And a whole lot of shame.

I slowly started to realize what was happening around me and to me, and that it was of my own doing. Being in the company of people who “cared” about me while feeling a heightened sense of loneliness was no longer sitting well with me. I started to think I’d rather be alone. And from that very place my journey to self-discovery, self-love, and self-respect was born. 

I was so consumed by my fear of abandonment that I hadn’t even realized I had abandoned myself time and time again. The worst form of abandonment, in my opinion. And from a rational, healed place, the idea of fearing abandonment by people I didn’t really like seems absolutely ludicrous! But it was all part of my journey and it led me to where I am today. 

Now I show up as me: vulnerable, real, kind, loving, and with a knowing that I am lovable. 

We are all lovable when we choose the company of worthy people. You know who I mean, the people who show up, who see you, who listen to you, who value you. They are the people who don’t act like you’re too much, or shame you into changing parts of you that you love. 

The prospect of being alone is terrifying to so many. Trust me, I get it. But my hope is that you will see that you’re worthy of being loved for who you are, and being with someone who doesn’t value you is far scarier than being alone. 

Being alone right now is not indicative of being alone forever. And if you lost yourself in past relationships and became a version of who your partner wanted, you don’t have to repeat those old patterns anymore. You can learn to love yourself enough to show up as you and say “It’s your loss” to anyone who doesn’t accept you for who you are. 

You don’t have to be nice to be loved, and you don’t have to change who you are to be loved. The next time you find yourself anxious and fearful of abandonment, ask yourself if you’re the one who’s, in fact, abandoning you. 

You deserve better, and you deserve to live your best life. ❤️